I wrote a birthday card for my dad. Among the contents was "Dad, let's go to the public bath this weekend, and I will scrub your back - it really hits the spot. Can you do my back as well?" I hope he likes my gift.
In the last fencing class, I learned and trained a footwork technique that is called "balestra." At the beginning, I assumed an on-guard position and leaped forward while raising one foot. Then I landed at the same time with both feet. I thought I was practicing the action over about 100 times. My coach must have thought I looked so gassed, so she even finished her class early. On that night, I fell into a deep sleep in an allongé la bras position.
I wrote a birthday card for my dad. Among the contents was "Dad, let's go to the public bath this weekend, and I will scrub your back - it really hits the spot. Can you do my back as well?" I hope he likes my gift.
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Here are the corrections:
1. Original:
In the last fencing class, I learned and trained a footwork technique that is called "balestra."
Corrected:
In the last fencing class, I learned and practiced a footwork technique called "balestra."
Explanation:
-
"Trained" is not the best word here; we usually say "practice a technique" instead of "train a technique."
-
"That is called" can be shortened to "called" for smoother writing.
2. Original:
At the beginning, I assumed an on-guard position and leaped forward while raising one foot.
Corrected:
✅ (This sentence is fine as is.)
Explanation:
-
The sentence is grammatically correct and clear.
3. Original:
Then I landed at the same time with both feet.
Corrected:
Then I landed with both feet at the same time.
Explanation:
-
The corrected version is more natural word order in English.
4. Original:
I thought I was practicing the action over about 100 times.
Corrected:
I think I practiced the move over 100 times.
Explanation:
-
"I thought I was practicing" is awkward and doesn't fit the context.
-
"The action" → "the move" is more natural for sports.
-
"Over about 100 times" is better simplified to just "over 100 times."
5. Original:
My coach must have thought I looked so gassed, so she even finished her class early.
Corrected:
My coach must have thought I looked exhausted, so she even ended the class early.
Explanation:
-
"Gassed" is slang; for clear writing, "exhausted" is better.
-
"Finished her class" → "ended the class" sounds more natural and neutral.
6. Original:
On that night, I fell into a deep sleep in an allongé la bras position.
Corrected:
That night, I fell into a deep sleep in an allongé la bras position.
Explanation:
-
"On that night" is grammatically okay, but "That night" is more natural and common in English writing.
7. Original:
I wrote a birthday card for my dad.
Corrected:
✅ (This sentence is fine.)
Explanation:
-
It's clear and correct.
8. Original:
Among the contents was "Dad, let's go to the public bath this weekend, and I will scrub your back - it really hits the spot. Can you do my back as well?"
Corrected:
One of the things I wrote was: "Dad, let's go to the public bath this weekend. I'll scrub your back - it really hits the spot. Can you do mine too?"
Explanation:
-
"Among the contents" is unnatural. Better to say "One of the things I wrote."
-
Changed punctuation and sentence flow for clarity and tone.
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"Do my back as well" → "do mine too" is smoother and more natural.
9. Original:
I hope he likes my gift.
Corrected:
✅ (This sentence is fine.)
Explanation:
-
Clear and grammatically correct.
Final Edited Text:
In the last fencing class, I learned and practiced a footwork technique called "balestra." At the beginning, I assumed an on-guard position and leaped forward while raising one foot. Then I landed with both feet at the same time. I think I practiced the move over 100 times. My coach must have thought I looked exhausted, so she even ended the class early. That night, I fell into a deep sleep in an allongé la bras position.
I wrote a birthday card for my dad. One of the things I wrote was: "Dad, let's go to the public bath this weekend. I'll scrub your back - it really hits the spot. Can you do mine too?" I hope he likes my gift.
NOTE: Hi Min! Your composition is fun, clear, and personal - it gives a great picture of your fencing experience and your thoughtful birthday message. You used specific details, like "balestra" and "allongé la bras," which make it interesting and unique. Just a few small grammar fixes make your writing even smoother. Great job - keep writing like this and you'll keep improving fast!
