An example of IELTS writing task2.

Nowadays, many of children are related with some kind of paid work. Some people think that this as completely wrong. By contrast, others reckon that it as valuable work experiences, important for learning and taking responsibility.
In my opinion, I have a positive thinking that children are engaged in paid work.
Children can find out what they want to do in the future through the real world's experiences. It is important because finding a dream or a job is not easy. They hard to figure out on the textbooks. Moreover, a school's job introduction and programs are not enough. This means that there is a big difference between school life and the real world. For this reason, children should experience a paid job.
When it comes to explain other reason, working for a paid job provides help to learn the patience. I believe that taking responsibility is crucial in life and people need to grow their patience for it. Because earning money isn't an easy work. Every person has to be patient and takes a responsibility. If children go through difficulties of paid work, they will have more chance to learn patience. Although it isn't familiar to face the harshness at first, they will have a power to overcome difficulties gradually. Therefore, they can deal with the various problems in their life.

첨삭 진행중입니다.